I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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