I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
