I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
