So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
