it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
