maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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