I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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