new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
