i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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