I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
