anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
