U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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