Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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