i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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