Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
