Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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