I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
