if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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