I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
