I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
