he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
