the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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