Your face is a jimmy john
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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