There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
