My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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