Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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