You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
People in love make me want to vomit
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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