do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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