I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
