Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
