this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Operation Purity has been aborted
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
