i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
