Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
They have beer where we have blood.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
