Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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