My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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