I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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