Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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