i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
