She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
