i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
