nut hugger
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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