I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
