This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
