I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
