thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
