Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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