If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
