I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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