when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
im about as happy as oj after his trial
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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