weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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