I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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