I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize