i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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