The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just found puke in my bra..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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