It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
